From Shame and Fear to Enoughness and Worthiness

We live in a culture of scarcity, where nothing is ever "enough".  We are told we are not pretty enough, wealthy, spiritual enough,  good enough, creative enough, enough of a parent or partner...insert just about anything. Now you may be thinking, I don't hear those words everywhere, but think about it...most of advertising is telling you you don't have enough or won't be good enough until you buy their product. Shaming behavior, which is prevalent in our cultural, is all about telling others they are not worthy enough. Once you are aware of this issue scarcity in our culture you begin to see it everywhere and you be begin to notice the effect it is having on out society and on your self.

I struggle with not feeling worthy enough. This feeling of not being worthy enough is at the root of my struggles with fear and shame. Somedays these struggles paralyze me to the point of not being able to accomplish task, not taking a risk I would like to take or not being and ultimately not being able to be be my authentic self. Some days are easier than others-somedays (like today) I have the courage to be authentic and speak my truth. Other days I struggle just to make it through the day without spiraling downward into the negative thoughts that seem to be on auto repeat in the depths of my mind.

The Good News is that there is hope for all of us, because EVERYONE struggles with the "not enough" feeling at some point/s during our lives. The Good News is that we are good enough and worthy enough.

"God is the reminder of our divine worthiness."

Brene Brown

God is the reason we are worthy and good enough. We are created in the divine image of God, meaning we are part of God and God lives within each of us. When we deny our worthiness and our enoughness we deny that which is of God. They question then becomes how do we trust and have faith in our worthiness and enoughness?

We start by being grateful. We practice gratitude. We take time each day to intentionally make ourselves aware of what we have and who we are-that for which we are grateful. This may take the form of a gratitude journal, a family practice of sharing what we are grateful for with one another, creating a collage of gratitude or any other way you may intentionally become aware of what you are grateful to God for.

We also show compassion for ourselves and for others. Showing compassion for ourselves is about being gentle with ourselves. We tend to be harder on ourselves for things we do or who we thing we are than we would be on others. Compassion for ourselves means giving ourselves space to make mistake, forgiving ourselves for things we are regret doing, and being intentional gentle with ourselves when our instinct is to tear ourselves apart.

Just practicing gratitude and compassion on a daily basis can transform our fear and shame into courage and joy! 

Questions for reflection:

In what areas of your life do you feel unworthy or not enough?

In what areas of your life to you feel shameful or afraid?

How might you begin to practice gratitude and/or compassion?

Where do you feel joy in your life? 

I'd love to hear YOUR story and/or walk with YOUR on your journey! Please contact me for more information!

Quiet Joy

"I wish you quiet joy today 

and that you will take it slow

so that you can note all the little things again."

~Unknown

Capturing the Beauty Amongst the Chaos

According to my parents I have always loved to be outside and to create things. This is most likely why I find outdoor photography such a spiritual experience. It is one way God enters my soul -  grounding and transforming me. I find that if I go out into nature on photography walk I not only come back with some great shots but I come back more alive and in tune with myself and with God, for I have glimpsed (even captured) the beauty of God's creation in the chaos of this world.

If you look though my photographs either on this blog or other places they have been "displayed" you will notice that a majority of them are close up of objects with the exception of my sunset photographs. I was told once that the type of photography (close up vs. non close up) tells a lot about how you see/view the world. Thus, I think my photography reflects how I perceive the world and reveals something about how I relate to the world. If you know me well you know I am a very detail oriented person. I tend to focus on small aspects of a situation or project, sometimes forgetting to look at the larger picture. I like to hone into the the details because I believe they are often overlooked as an important aspect of a situation or project. The details reveal much about the whole. They can be messy as well as beautiful. Without the details there is no whole.

In my photography I love to look for the the beautiful in the chaos. I love to hone into one small part of a larger landscape and capture its beauty. In a world full of chaos we need to find ways to hone into the small aspects of our lives that give us joy, laughter, and beauty. I believe this is one ways God enters into our soul in the midst of chaos, struggle, or hopelessness. This is is what transforming love looks like.

One aspect of my passion and purpose is to hold space for individuals to catch a glimpse of beauty, joy and laughter. It is in this space that healing and wholeness can be experienced. I am honored to walk this journey with others through my photography, my future career as well as other times and places where this can occur.

What are your favorite types of photographs to look at? To ponder? What types of photographs make you cringe?

(So you might have been expecting some photographs...well this post was not about the photographs themselves but rather a written reflection on photography.)

Diversity: It's the Individuals That Matter

I have been working at Dayton Avenue Presbyterian Church for a little over a month now. I love it! I love the people! I was told by Pastor David Stewart and the search committee that DAPC was a very diverse congregation and that the were diverse in many ways-racially, ethnically, educationally, and socioeconomically. I admit that when they told me this I thought to myself can a Presbyterian Church (USA) church really be that diverse? The statistics say that the PCUSA is predominantly caucasian, middle class, and highly educated. It is also true that all of the other congregations I have worked with or grew up in fit this image of the PCUSA. So, yes, I was skeptical that what they were telling me could really be true.

However, as I have come to know this congregation I am proud to say that it IS true! Each Sunday I come to work and worship I look around at the individuals sitting in the pews and smile. Yes, I smile because of the diversity I can see and that I can not see but know. Yet, I smile mostly because all of these people have stories to tell and stories to share with me and with one another (and I am looking forward to hearing their stories!). Diversity in a community of faith means nothing if the stories and lives of each individual member is not heard, honored, and respected. When this happens real community happens, transformation happens, and God smiles!

I smile because in many ways this congregation embodies what church is and can be. DAPC is a reflection of the culture of America and of St. Paul, MN. It is committed to caring for those who are with in the community of faith as well as those who live in the community where it is located.

Working with this diverse community is an exciting challenge for me. While I love the diversity, it is this same diversity that is forcing me to challenge my some of the stereotypes I did not realize I had about people. It is challenging me to think outside the box about Christian Education. It is challenging me to think about the fact that what I thought the future of Christian Education might look like may be realized in this setting much more quickly than I maybe I am ready for. In short it is challenging me to rethink what my ministry is in this particular community of faith called Dayton Avenue Presbyterian Church!

Stories of a Prayer Chair

As I stare into the candlelight and sit in my "Prayer Chair" my mind and heart are filled with joy, worry, struggle, wonder, and love. My mind wanders to the stories this chair might tell me.

What stories would this chair tell about those who have sat, played, cried, slept, and laughed in it? What would they teach me about my family, my past, about life, and how I live? Did those who sat here have the same inner struggles I do? Did they ask the same questions I ask? How did they respond to their struggles? How did they fight loneliness, sorrow, worry, sadness, and depression? How did they heal?

I know their energy is present in the place-in this chair. I too will leave energy in this chair. I trust that God transcends the energy and creates healing energy. It is this energy and love which sustains me, gives me hope, and gives me life!

Jen's Life Lessons

I first met Jen my sophomore year in college. She was spunky, friendly, funny, compassionate, and full of life! Little did I know I would spend two years as her roommate, gain an amazing friend, and she would teach me valuable a valuable life lesson-live life to it’s fullest despite incredible challenges. You see Jen lived with a very rare auto-immune disorder that caused her body to be unable to fight illness.

Jen had many challenges resulting from her immune disorder. She wore hearing aids as a result of aggressive treatment in childhood. She had a permanent IV line so she could give IV medication to herself. In her four years of college she was in the hospital at least numerous times. Once in she was in the ICU followed by isolation for several weeks. She was in chronic pain and had secondary health issues resulting from disorder and many treatments over her twenty plus years. Yet, this woman was full of life and lived life to it’s fullest. 

Jen lived life to it’s fullest in three particular ways-she loved to laugh, she thought of others first, and she never gave up! 

Jen loved to laugh! We were always laughing. I remember one time when Jen was sick and was on IV medication. As part of this process she had to flush her IV line with water using a non-needle syringe. She decided it would be fun to shoot water out of one of the syringes at me. I proceeded to take another syringe and shoot her back. This resulted in a water syringe fight that left us rolling on the floor laughing. In many ways it was “medicine” for both of us. It broke the tension in our friendship. It made the stressful times easier. She taught me that laughter really is the best medicine for life’s many struggles and challenges.

Both in the midst of illness as well as when she was doing well, Jen thought of other before herself. One night I awoke in the middle of the night to find Jen packing a bag. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she had decided she need to go to the the local hospital. I told her I would take her but she told me that she has already called campus security to take her so I could go back to bed. The comfort and well being of others always came before herself! She taught me to put others first through humbleness, compassion, and sympathy.

Up until Jen died in the summer of 2006 she never gave up on life! I never once heard her say I don’t want to do this any more-it is too hard. Despite all the time she spent in the hospital and in the colleges health services, Jen finished a difficult and time consuming Elementary Education major in 4 year. She was alway talking about becoming a elementary education teacher even when it was evident that her body was failing her. She was always hopeful that she would be “cured” and her body would allow her to live a long life. Jen taught me to be strong and never give up on life.

Jen’s life and friendship have touched my heart and changed my life. Jen loved dragonflies. To this day every time I see a dragonfly I stop and say “hi” to Jen and thank her for the life lessons that her actions and her spirit taught me. The dragonfly reminds and inspires me to live life to it’s fullest by laughing more, putting others first, and never giving up no matter what life throws at me!

(Adapted from a recent Toastmasters speech)

Friday Photograph

I love fall-the smells, the vibrant colors, but my favorite thing about fall is walking through the leaves. The sound of crunching leaves under foot makes me smile and makes my heart sing. For years I wondered why this sound made me so happy. I think I have uncovered the reason-it reminds me of the pure joy I felt playing in the leaves as a child. Adults need to play too! It brings me pure joy to play...to walk in the fall with the leaves crunching under foot! 

How do you cultivate play in your life?