From Shame and Fear to Enoughness and Worthiness

We live in a culture of scarcity, where nothing is ever "enough".  We are told we are not pretty enough, wealthy, spiritual enough,  good enough, creative enough, enough of a parent or partner...insert just about anything. Now you may be thinking, I don't hear those words everywhere, but think about it...most of advertising is telling you you don't have enough or won't be good enough until you buy their product. Shaming behavior, which is prevalent in our cultural, is all about telling others they are not worthy enough. Once you are aware of this issue scarcity in our culture you begin to see it everywhere and you be begin to notice the effect it is having on out society and on your self.

I struggle with not feeling worthy enough. This feeling of not being worthy enough is at the root of my struggles with fear and shame. Somedays these struggles paralyze me to the point of not being able to accomplish task, not taking a risk I would like to take or not being and ultimately not being able to be be my authentic self. Some days are easier than others-somedays (like today) I have the courage to be authentic and speak my truth. Other days I struggle just to make it through the day without spiraling downward into the negative thoughts that seem to be on auto repeat in the depths of my mind.

The Good News is that there is hope for all of us, because EVERYONE struggles with the "not enough" feeling at some point/s during our lives. The Good News is that we are good enough and worthy enough.

"God is the reminder of our divine worthiness."

Brene Brown

God is the reason we are worthy and good enough. We are created in the divine image of God, meaning we are part of God and God lives within each of us. When we deny our worthiness and our enoughness we deny that which is of God. They question then becomes how do we trust and have faith in our worthiness and enoughness?

We start by being grateful. We practice gratitude. We take time each day to intentionally make ourselves aware of what we have and who we are-that for which we are grateful. This may take the form of a gratitude journal, a family practice of sharing what we are grateful for with one another, creating a collage of gratitude or any other way you may intentionally become aware of what you are grateful to God for.

We also show compassion for ourselves and for others. Showing compassion for ourselves is about being gentle with ourselves. We tend to be harder on ourselves for things we do or who we thing we are than we would be on others. Compassion for ourselves means giving ourselves space to make mistake, forgiving ourselves for things we are regret doing, and being intentional gentle with ourselves when our instinct is to tear ourselves apart.

Just practicing gratitude and compassion on a daily basis can transform our fear and shame into courage and joy! 

Questions for reflection:

In what areas of your life do you feel unworthy or not enough?

In what areas of your life to you feel shameful or afraid?

How might you begin to practice gratitude and/or compassion?

Where do you feel joy in your life? 

I'd love to hear YOUR story and/or walk with YOUR on your journey! Please contact me for more information!

Reflections on Hope

Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent, the beginning of the churches New Year, and a the beginning of a season of preparation to welcome once again the baby Jesus into our midst. I think it is very fitting that the first candle we light on the Advent wreath is the candle of hope. The dictionary definition of hope that I think best fits Advent is "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best." When we hope for something we want it to turn out for the best. The catch is that what we think is "best" may not be what God knows is best for us or for a situation. A prime example is Jesus' death. His followers hoped he would not be crucified and would not die. Yet, God knew that what was best for them, for humanity, was for Jesus to die and rise again.

We all need hope. We all need to know that things will turn out for the best. What does hope look like? For some it may be that glimmer of light at the end of a very dark and scary tunnel that reminds them that this darkness will not overcome us, will not last forever, and things will get better. For some it might be a hug or a smile from a friend or even a stranger that reminds them that they are loved. For others it might be the courage to step out in faith on a new adventure reassured that God will walk with them every step of the way. Hope can take many forms. 

There is a Young Living essential oil called "Hope". In the description of this oil it says that "Hope™ helps you reconnect with feelings of strength and grounding, restoring hope for tomorrow. " This idea of hope really resonates with me. When we have hope, if even for a moment, we have reconnected with our own strength and we become more grounded. We might only feel this strength for a moment if life is really difficult yet each time we feel it, it becomes more familiar. It is kind of like muscle memory. The more we use a muscle in a certain way the easier it become to move in a certain way. It becomes second nature. I think the more we embrace our strength and courage the more grounded we become. The more grounded we become the more we "open" we are to the "joys that lie ahead."

During this season of Advent, may you embrace hope and rediscover the joy that lies ahead embodied in the birth of Jesus Christ.

The Waters of Baptism

The sacrament of Baptism holds a special place in my heart and soul. I have always been drawn to this sacrament. For a long time I thought this connection was due to my love of babies/young children. However, over the past few years I have become aware of a deeper connection to baptism. The symbolism of baptism and especially the symbolism of water draw me in.

Several years ago (actually the summer of 2012) I was taking a walk along a river in Minnesota. At some point along my walk I decided to stop and watch the river go by. I think I was hoping for solace and peace but instead I began pondering the symbolism of water as it relate to baptism. This pondering produced three water/baptism metaphors (and I actually wrote them down in my phone).

1. Water as a journey.  A droplet of water in a river takes a journey through many experiences. This droplet winds around and around as in moves forward. It might journey quietly along and then suddenly it rumbles over rocks that form tumultuous rapids. It might even take a long and hard tumble over a waterfall. It usually ends up in a vast body of water. Each droplet of water is needed even if it seems lost in the millions of other droplets. Baptism marks the beginning of unique journey with God. In many ways the water used in baptism symbolizes the the journey we will take. It will be filled with times of tumult, falling, rising, and peacefulness. Yet, through it all we know we have been claimed by God and that God is with us and within us.
2. Water renewing life. We all know the power of water to renew life. We see it when we have forgotten to water a plant for weeks on end and it look dead but we decide to water it just incase and wala the plant come back to life. We see it in the stark contrast between a lush oasis in the middle of an arid desert. We are acutely aware of this power after taking a sip of precious water after a long hard day in the heat of summer. In baptism we remember and celebrate the renewed life we have in God. We celebrate the that God's healing and transforming love gives us new life each day.
3. Water as cleansing.  We have all experienced getting so dirty possibly covered in so much mud or dirt that we are unrecognizable a first glance. People may treat us differently because we are so dirty. Yet, with a water (and probably some soap!) we become recognizable again. Baptism symbolizes a washing or cleansing of sin. For me this is more about uncovering the layers of dirt that have made us an unrecognizable version of our authentic self. When we remember our baptism we are asked to rediscover our authentic self and strive live into this version of ourselves.

I believe the connecting theme in all of these metaphors is hope. Baptism is about God's love and about hope. We desperately need moments of hope in a world that continues to experience tragedy and suffering. I know deep down in my being that God's love will rise above the suffering and bring hope!

Diversity: It's the Individuals That Matter

I have been working at Dayton Avenue Presbyterian Church for a little over a month now. I love it! I love the people! I was told by Pastor David Stewart and the search committee that DAPC was a very diverse congregation and that the were diverse in many ways-racially, ethnically, educationally, and socioeconomically. I admit that when they told me this I thought to myself can a Presbyterian Church (USA) church really be that diverse? The statistics say that the PCUSA is predominantly caucasian, middle class, and highly educated. It is also true that all of the other congregations I have worked with or grew up in fit this image of the PCUSA. So, yes, I was skeptical that what they were telling me could really be true.

However, as I have come to know this congregation I am proud to say that it IS true! Each Sunday I come to work and worship I look around at the individuals sitting in the pews and smile. Yes, I smile because of the diversity I can see and that I can not see but know. Yet, I smile mostly because all of these people have stories to tell and stories to share with me and with one another (and I am looking forward to hearing their stories!). Diversity in a community of faith means nothing if the stories and lives of each individual member is not heard, honored, and respected. When this happens real community happens, transformation happens, and God smiles!

I smile because in many ways this congregation embodies what church is and can be. DAPC is a reflection of the culture of America and of St. Paul, MN. It is committed to caring for those who are with in the community of faith as well as those who live in the community where it is located.

Working with this diverse community is an exciting challenge for me. While I love the diversity, it is this same diversity that is forcing me to challenge my some of the stereotypes I did not realize I had about people. It is challenging me to think outside the box about Christian Education. It is challenging me to think about the fact that what I thought the future of Christian Education might look like may be realized in this setting much more quickly than I maybe I am ready for. In short it is challenging me to rethink what my ministry is in this particular community of faith called Dayton Avenue Presbyterian Church!

Stories of a Prayer Chair

As I stare into the candlelight and sit in my "Prayer Chair" my mind and heart are filled with joy, worry, struggle, wonder, and love. My mind wanders to the stories this chair might tell me.

What stories would this chair tell about those who have sat, played, cried, slept, and laughed in it? What would they teach me about my family, my past, about life, and how I live? Did those who sat here have the same inner struggles I do? Did they ask the same questions I ask? How did they respond to their struggles? How did they fight loneliness, sorrow, worry, sadness, and depression? How did they heal?

I know their energy is present in the place-in this chair. I too will leave energy in this chair. I trust that God transcends the energy and creates healing energy. It is this energy and love which sustains me, gives me hope, and gives me life!

Friday Photographs-The road less traveled

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

Friday Photographs

"A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more." 

Matthew 2:18

Lord in your mercy hear our prayer...

(Dedicated to those who are affect by today's school shooting in Connecticut)

Jen's Life Lessons

I first met Jen my sophomore year in college. She was spunky, friendly, funny, compassionate, and full of life! Little did I know I would spend two years as her roommate, gain an amazing friend, and she would teach me valuable a valuable life lesson-live life to it’s fullest despite incredible challenges. You see Jen lived with a very rare auto-immune disorder that caused her body to be unable to fight illness.

Jen had many challenges resulting from her immune disorder. She wore hearing aids as a result of aggressive treatment in childhood. She had a permanent IV line so she could give IV medication to herself. In her four years of college she was in the hospital at least numerous times. Once in she was in the ICU followed by isolation for several weeks. She was in chronic pain and had secondary health issues resulting from disorder and many treatments over her twenty plus years. Yet, this woman was full of life and lived life to it’s fullest. 

Jen lived life to it’s fullest in three particular ways-she loved to laugh, she thought of others first, and she never gave up! 

Jen loved to laugh! We were always laughing. I remember one time when Jen was sick and was on IV medication. As part of this process she had to flush her IV line with water using a non-needle syringe. She decided it would be fun to shoot water out of one of the syringes at me. I proceeded to take another syringe and shoot her back. This resulted in a water syringe fight that left us rolling on the floor laughing. In many ways it was “medicine” for both of us. It broke the tension in our friendship. It made the stressful times easier. She taught me that laughter really is the best medicine for life’s many struggles and challenges.

Both in the midst of illness as well as when she was doing well, Jen thought of other before herself. One night I awoke in the middle of the night to find Jen packing a bag. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she had decided she need to go to the the local hospital. I told her I would take her but she told me that she has already called campus security to take her so I could go back to bed. The comfort and well being of others always came before herself! She taught me to put others first through humbleness, compassion, and sympathy.

Up until Jen died in the summer of 2006 she never gave up on life! I never once heard her say I don’t want to do this any more-it is too hard. Despite all the time she spent in the hospital and in the colleges health services, Jen finished a difficult and time consuming Elementary Education major in 4 year. She was alway talking about becoming a elementary education teacher even when it was evident that her body was failing her. She was always hopeful that she would be “cured” and her body would allow her to live a long life. Jen taught me to be strong and never give up on life.

Jen’s life and friendship have touched my heart and changed my life. Jen loved dragonflies. To this day every time I see a dragonfly I stop and say “hi” to Jen and thank her for the life lessons that her actions and her spirit taught me. The dragonfly reminds and inspires me to live life to it’s fullest by laughing more, putting others first, and never giving up no matter what life throws at me!

(Adapted from a recent Toastmasters speech)

Friday Photographs

"Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down the dulcimer.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kiss the ground."

-Rumi

Pondering "When the Violin"

For months I have been wanting to pair a photograph of a violin and Hafiz’s poem “When the Violin”. I was finally able to do this this past Friday. I have been pondering this paring for a long time and wanted to reflect and write on it. This poem spoke to me the first time I read it. It stabbed me in the heart. It took my breath away. I remember thinking to my self this is what I need to do and this is who I want to become.

I long to “stop worrying about the future” and “become such a drunk laughing nuisance”!  These phrases struck a chord with me. Being overcome with laughter is such a beautiful image of a way to live ones life. Laughter invokes great joy and a letting go of the worries of the world. Laughter lets us become our authentic selves because we have to let our guard down and take off the mask we show the world. Laughter is also about being fully present in the moment. When we in the midst of a truly hardy laugh we are not thinking about what we must do tomorrow, how we are going to pay the credit card bill, or wonder what others think of us. We are just laughing and enjoying being fully present in the moment.

The final stanza of the poem pierced my heart. To “forgive every wound caused by others” and for my “heart to start singing” is a huge step to authentic and wholehearted living. It struck me that Hafiz did not say forgive the people who caused the wounds but instead forgive the wounds caused by others. Forgiveness is about transforming our own wounds into hope and courage. This journey of transformation may include forgiving the person or people that caused the wound. However, ultimately is the wound that needs healing and transformation so that we can live a life of hope and courage.

When we can name and forgive our wounds they no longer define us. Instead we are set free to be our authentic selves and our whole being can start singing our part in God’s great song...or we can “become such a drunk laughing nuisance” that God joins in our singing and laughter! This is how I strive to live my life!

9/11: A Watershed Moment

As I sit listening to the names of those who died at Ground Zero 10 years ago I think about each family who still grieves their loss.  The reading of names emphasizes the enormity as well as the individuality of what occurred that day.  Ten years later I ponder two different yet connected thoughts that bubbled up from the memories of 9/11.

9/11 was a watershed moment in our nation.  According to the dictionary on my computer a watershed moment is “an event or period marking a turning point in a course of action or state of affairs”.  During and after a watershed moment we must choose how to move forward.  Reflecting on the events of 9/11 Sojourners magazine says this about our the choices that were made, “There were two paths forward from the ashes a rubble of 9/11: One path led to war, torture, and fear, but another path -- led by people of faith across our land -- was marked by soul searching, genuine mourning for the lost, and standing up for peace-building and caring for our neighbors.”  While we cannot change the choices that were made we can transform those choices going forward.  We can pray and work for shalom-peace and wholeness among and within nations, states, churches,communities, families, and individuals.  Each of us needs to discern for themselves what peace-building looks like in their own lives.  

As we reflect on 9/11 a watershed moment we all share we also reflect on watershed moments or events in our own lives.  What are those watershed moments?  How might they intersect with 9/11?  How will you choose to move forward in a new or different way?

Remember God loves you and in within you during all your watershed moments and events!

Prayer: Benefiting God's Kingdom

Why is that I always think of my prayer requests of as a “laundry list” of my wants?  It seems that these requests are more about me than they are about God.  They seem to be about what I think is best for the situation.  For me there is a similar feeling when I pray for others.  It often becomes a “laundry list” of what I want for those I am praying for.  It just does not seem very genuine because it does not take into account the relational aspect of God nor does it take into account God’s will.  I am not saying that praying for ourselves and others is in anyway bad.  In fact I think it is an essential aspect of prayer.

Recently, I attended a worship service at Presbyterian Church of the Way in Shoreview, MN.  The focus of the worship service was the twofold.  First, the members of a recent mission trip to Ghana were sharing their stories, reflections and insights.  Second, their reflections centered around the Scripture The Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20).  One member of this trip was reflecting prayer in Ghana.  She said the prayers of the Ghanian people focus on how they hope their requests will better God’s Kingdom.  As I pondered this statement I realized this shift in the intent of our supplications or requests completely change the focus of prayer.  

This shift reflects the intentions rather than the content of our prayers.  The “laundry list” may still be there but we pray the “list” with a different intent.  The intent is no longer to ask for what we want or need because it will benefit us.  Rather, prayer now focuses on how our requests will effect the world and others in a positive and just way.  Our prayers for ourselves become about uncovering our authentic selves and how we will speak our truth in love.  

For me the key word in the above statement is hope.  We are not God and thus do not and cannot know what is best for the God’s Kingdom here on earth.  Our prayer requests do not dictate what will happen instead they convey what we expect or desire to occur.  Our “laundry lists” are not demands of God but rather statements of what we hope God will do to to better God’s Kingdom!