Praying in Color and Embracing Change

In the past year I have been challenged to embrace change with vulnerability, courage, and self acceptance. This has not been any easy task. In fact some days I would rather just stick my head in a hole and not resurface until it's all over. However, I know this is really not the best or most effective way to live one's life even if life has thrown you a huge curve ball. So instead I have been searching for ways to "rise strong" (Rising Strong is the title of Brene Brown's newest book) and show up every moment of every day. A few of the ways I have been doing this is through regular yoga practice, reaching out to friends and professionals for support and healing, and more recently reintroducing regular prayer practices into my daily routine.

For the past week I have been digging into to my creative heart and my need to work with my hands and "trying out" a prayer practice called Praying in Color. Praying in Color uses the concepts of doodling and coloring as tools for a more "active, meditative, playful prayer practice" (Praying in Color pg. 5). You can pray for others, for you self, or even pray through scripture.

As you can see my prayer focus has been self centered (in a positive way). My need to embrace change within myself and my situation has dictated my praying in color practice thus far. It has allowed me to take time to listen for God, ask questions of God and myself, and seek answers about who I am and where I am on the this journey we call life.

This practice is constantly changing (as you can tell from the two photographs). No two prayers are alike.

Praying in Color allows my brain to focus and wander simultaneously. It also gives me a safe time and outlet to lean in to and really feel my emotions. For example today while I was doodling "embrace fear" not only did I notice the fear bubbling up from within but I was able to doodle and color the emotion as I was feeling it. I authentically felt it but it didn't have the power to paralyze me. I believe  this is what the God means in the verse "Do not be afraid."

This is an ever evolving prayer practice and I am excited to see where it will take me next.

Does this practice intrigue you? Would you like to learn more about it? If so, click on the link above or click right here.  Or contact me and we can chat about it-I'd love to help you begin!

"Really Tall" Towers

Life can sometimes feel like a tower of blocks that have come crashing down around us. In life we tend to build towers "really tall" just so we can say or feel like we have accomplished something. Then all of a sudden our "really tall" tower come crashing down around us. All we see is brokenness and chaos. Sometimes we have no idea what made it fall. Was it circumstances? Did we knock it down ourselves? Did someone else knock it down? Whatever the reason there we stand frozen with shock for a while.

I don't know about you but when I'm standing in the middle of my pile of blocks looking at the brokenness and chaos that has ensued all I see is devastation and failure. I want to run away and stick my head in a whole and never show my face again. This is especially true when I feel that it is my fault that the tower has fallen. It can feel hopeless and overwhelming.

The "children will lead them"...this past weekend I spent many hours with my two year old niece. She loves to play and build with blocks.  She loves to build "really tall" towers and she built many of them. What I witnessed as I watch her build and rebuild her "really tall" towers was her reaction to the towers crashing down.  In the beginning, each time the tower would fall I would say "uh-oh!" yet her reaction was always the same, "that's okay!" and she would just build it again. Sometimes she would even knock it down herself only to move it in the truck to rebuild it in another place. By the end of my time with her I had all but stopped saying "uh-oh" and just let her response become the norm.

My nieces reaction to "failure" is one of learning and growing not one of devastation. She does not associate failure with a negative reaction or emotion. Now don't get me wrong-failure is hard and can feel devastating. It can make us feel worthless and throw us for a loop. However, I am beginning to really understand that failure is not a symptom of unworthiness but rather part of "showing up" in life. When we are vulnerable, courageous and authentic (authentic=being who God created you to be) we are bound to fail because that how we learn and "THAT'S OKAY!"

The Thing About Courage

The thing about courage is that it is hard! Well, at least it is for me. So what exactly is courage? I love Brene Brown's definition of courage. She defines courages as "speaking honestly and openly about two we are, about what we're feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad)" (The Gifts of Imperfection pp. 12-13). In other words courage is about speaking our truth. Courage requires being authentic and having the confidence to speak from our heart about who we are and what we are feeling.

Cultivating courage has been a theme of mine over the past few years. My courage has been tested over and over this past year. This past year required the courage to admit to myself and the world that I was being called away from the vocation of Christian Education. It took courage to dig deep within myself and discover a passion and purpose that has been bubbling within the depths of my spirit for sometime. Both of these realizations required me rediscover my authentic or true self. Not only did I have to "rediscover myself" I also realized the importance of practicing compassion and love toward my authentic self.

One of my favorite quotes about courage is "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." Living in to this new reality has required that I not only face my fear of rejection and not being liked but also praying for healing from the wounds that have contributed this fear. I continue to pray for and practice healing, for self compassion and courage.

What are your stories of courage? What wisdom would you share with others about courage?

Diversity: It's the Individuals That Matter

I have been working at Dayton Avenue Presbyterian Church for a little over a month now. I love it! I love the people! I was told by Pastor David Stewart and the search committee that DAPC was a very diverse congregation and that the were diverse in many ways-racially, ethnically, educationally, and socioeconomically. I admit that when they told me this I thought to myself can a Presbyterian Church (USA) church really be that diverse? The statistics say that the PCUSA is predominantly caucasian, middle class, and highly educated. It is also true that all of the other congregations I have worked with or grew up in fit this image of the PCUSA. So, yes, I was skeptical that what they were telling me could really be true.

However, as I have come to know this congregation I am proud to say that it IS true! Each Sunday I come to work and worship I look around at the individuals sitting in the pews and smile. Yes, I smile because of the diversity I can see and that I can not see but know. Yet, I smile mostly because all of these people have stories to tell and stories to share with me and with one another (and I am looking forward to hearing their stories!). Diversity in a community of faith means nothing if the stories and lives of each individual member is not heard, honored, and respected. When this happens real community happens, transformation happens, and God smiles!

I smile because in many ways this congregation embodies what church is and can be. DAPC is a reflection of the culture of America and of St. Paul, MN. It is committed to caring for those who are with in the community of faith as well as those who live in the community where it is located.

Working with this diverse community is an exciting challenge for me. While I love the diversity, it is this same diversity that is forcing me to challenge my some of the stereotypes I did not realize I had about people. It is challenging me to think outside the box about Christian Education. It is challenging me to think about the fact that what I thought the future of Christian Education might look like may be realized in this setting much more quickly than I maybe I am ready for. In short it is challenging me to rethink what my ministry is in this particular community of faith called Dayton Avenue Presbyterian Church!

Friday Photographs-God Sees You

God sees you as you truly are - a holy child of light: 

God sees you strong and whole.  

God sees you blessed and prospered.  

God sees you courageous and confident.  

God sees you capable and successful.  

God sees you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. 

God sees you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are.

Friday Photographs-The road less traveled

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear,

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I marked the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

Prayer for Healing & Light

This is an excerpt from my prayer journal from a few days ago-I believe many people have a similar prayer!

Holy One, I strive each day to be authentic and true-to be vulnerable and courageous. I can see and feel the wounds of my mind and soul healing. They are healing slowly from the inside out, from the depths to the surface-the way wounds should heal. I know I have "soul work" to continue that will aide in the healing that only your love can provide. As my wounds heal, I discover a deep love and longing for my authentic self. I discover a desire to stop living in hurt and fear and begin living in worthiness and true love. May your healing and transforming love continue to wash over me and flow into the depths of my mind, body, and soul so that I may be light to this world...AMEN!

Jen's Life Lessons

I first met Jen my sophomore year in college. She was spunky, friendly, funny, compassionate, and full of life! Little did I know I would spend two years as her roommate, gain an amazing friend, and she would teach me valuable a valuable life lesson-live life to it’s fullest despite incredible challenges. You see Jen lived with a very rare auto-immune disorder that caused her body to be unable to fight illness.

Jen had many challenges resulting from her immune disorder. She wore hearing aids as a result of aggressive treatment in childhood. She had a permanent IV line so she could give IV medication to herself. In her four years of college she was in the hospital at least numerous times. Once in she was in the ICU followed by isolation for several weeks. She was in chronic pain and had secondary health issues resulting from disorder and many treatments over her twenty plus years. Yet, this woman was full of life and lived life to it’s fullest. 

Jen lived life to it’s fullest in three particular ways-she loved to laugh, she thought of others first, and she never gave up! 

Jen loved to laugh! We were always laughing. I remember one time when Jen was sick and was on IV medication. As part of this process she had to flush her IV line with water using a non-needle syringe. She decided it would be fun to shoot water out of one of the syringes at me. I proceeded to take another syringe and shoot her back. This resulted in a water syringe fight that left us rolling on the floor laughing. In many ways it was “medicine” for both of us. It broke the tension in our friendship. It made the stressful times easier. She taught me that laughter really is the best medicine for life’s many struggles and challenges.

Both in the midst of illness as well as when she was doing well, Jen thought of other before herself. One night I awoke in the middle of the night to find Jen packing a bag. I asked her what she was doing and she told me she had decided she need to go to the the local hospital. I told her I would take her but she told me that she has already called campus security to take her so I could go back to bed. The comfort and well being of others always came before herself! She taught me to put others first through humbleness, compassion, and sympathy.

Up until Jen died in the summer of 2006 she never gave up on life! I never once heard her say I don’t want to do this any more-it is too hard. Despite all the time she spent in the hospital and in the colleges health services, Jen finished a difficult and time consuming Elementary Education major in 4 year. She was alway talking about becoming a elementary education teacher even when it was evident that her body was failing her. She was always hopeful that she would be “cured” and her body would allow her to live a long life. Jen taught me to be strong and never give up on life.

Jen’s life and friendship have touched my heart and changed my life. Jen loved dragonflies. To this day every time I see a dragonfly I stop and say “hi” to Jen and thank her for the life lessons that her actions and her spirit taught me. The dragonfly reminds and inspires me to live life to it’s fullest by laughing more, putting others first, and never giving up no matter what life throws at me!

(Adapted from a recent Toastmasters speech)

Pondering "When the Violin"

For months I have been wanting to pair a photograph of a violin and Hafiz’s poem “When the Violin”. I was finally able to do this this past Friday. I have been pondering this paring for a long time and wanted to reflect and write on it. This poem spoke to me the first time I read it. It stabbed me in the heart. It took my breath away. I remember thinking to my self this is what I need to do and this is who I want to become.

I long to “stop worrying about the future” and “become such a drunk laughing nuisance”!  These phrases struck a chord with me. Being overcome with laughter is such a beautiful image of a way to live ones life. Laughter invokes great joy and a letting go of the worries of the world. Laughter lets us become our authentic selves because we have to let our guard down and take off the mask we show the world. Laughter is also about being fully present in the moment. When we in the midst of a truly hardy laugh we are not thinking about what we must do tomorrow, how we are going to pay the credit card bill, or wonder what others think of us. We are just laughing and enjoying being fully present in the moment.

The final stanza of the poem pierced my heart. To “forgive every wound caused by others” and for my “heart to start singing” is a huge step to authentic and wholehearted living. It struck me that Hafiz did not say forgive the people who caused the wounds but instead forgive the wounds caused by others. Forgiveness is about transforming our own wounds into hope and courage. This journey of transformation may include forgiving the person or people that caused the wound. However, ultimately is the wound that needs healing and transformation so that we can live a life of hope and courage.

When we can name and forgive our wounds they no longer define us. Instead we are set free to be our authentic selves and our whole being can start singing our part in God’s great song...or we can “become such a drunk laughing nuisance” that God joins in our singing and laughter! This is how I strive to live my life!